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Coco is a nine month old chocolate lab, and in her first snow storm I have found that she LOVES it!
The snow started at 8 AM on Sunday, and these were taken around 3 PM. Snow is still falling at 4, and is expected to continue tonight.
2009 was a great year, until it wasn’t.
I was so young, so full of life, with an abundance of curiosity and energy.
Little did I know 2009 would be the year where I learned what true, undeniable, crippling grief felt like.
The emotional pain that is so strong and heavy, it makes your chest hurt.
Days go by where you think, ‘I’ll be okay’, only to get smacked with another wave of grief. Internally distraught to the point that you don’t even hear half of what is said to you.
Thoughts of how you’ll never get to talk to each other in your coded language, or belt Britney Spears songs from the top of your lungs on a hot summer day with her ever again.
Remembering that time, and the facts, literally made me collapse onto the floor.
Thinking this isn’t real, this couldn’t be real.
It isn’t your friends that die before they can legally buy cigarettes, or drink liquor. Thinking to myself, this is a tragedy that only should happen in a movie, not to someone I love.
The weeks following just felt like a really bad dream that I’d wake up from soon. Telling myself, one day I’ll walk into that classroom and she’ll be there waiting with a sly grin on her face, and I’ll know before I sit down that she’s got something to tell me.
Walking to all of the classes I went to before, but alone now instead of her next to me. Teachers rearranging seats in classrooms we sat by each other in, thinking that might make it seem she wasn’t really gone all the way. Turning around to say something to her only to be met with a strangers face, and have the reality hit that she’s not there, she’ll never be there ever again.
I’ve been going back and forth on what to do.
Do I delete all the memories I have of you?
The friendship I thought would last forever, is it really all said and done? To be finished and forgotten with a revolution of the sun?
They say if you find someone to make you laugh when you least want to, keep them around.
I guess that wasn’t what you wanted though, when you felt down you wanted to stay bound. You didn’t want me coming along to break the ties and bring the sun.
Because that’s what I did, I took all of my light and gifted it to you, thinking my love for you would get us both through.
Why did I love you?
Was it because we could joke and laugh and have fun just being?
Was it because you came at me when I was least expecting?
Or did I love you because my heart knew you needed it? Someone to be tender and kind when you didn’t know how to be that to and for yourself.
I guess I’ll never know, and maybe it’s best I don’t. Maybe you were my lesson on letting go.
I've been doing some reflecting lately, and upon this reflection I've realized a couple of things.
1. Do What You're Passionate About
This past year has been a weird one for me, not all bad, but necessary in many ways. I have done many things that I am not passionate about in the last year which has taken a toll on my mental and physical health.
Now, while I don't think everything a person does is going to make them happy, for example shoveling snow out of your driveway in March. I believe there are ways to accomplish doing what you love without sacrificing your mental and physical health just to do a bunch of crap you don't even like in the first place.
Basically, throughout this past year I haven't done enough of what lights a fire within me, and I have some resentment towards myself for that. So here is to turning a new leaf and doing more of what I love.
Which brings me to my second point.
2. Don't Force Yourself to be Passionate About Something You Just AREN'T
I let myself get looped into doing things that I do not feel passion for, and while it may have been good experience and has given me lessons in failing and learning, doing them left me completely unfulfilled.
This made me realize that I need to make some changes for myself, by myself, in order to attain the life I want.
Things get thrown your way sometimes to show you that change is needed, and that you aren't where you want to be yet.
With these two things in mind, I am going to make efforts this year to start living the life I am passionate about, which just so happens to include more writing.
What are some things you're passionate about in your life?